My Struggle

I have decided to do a little random thing here, for the first time on my blog and since i am sure it is only viewed by maybe 4 to 8 people...it will be quick!

I have had the same song lyric in my head now for well over 5 hours, and not only am i not tired of it, BUT every time I sing it...It makes me think deeper!
-"Must be some mistake, 'cause I'm not worth the price that you paid."
You know, I get on here often and say I feel i am extremely far from God, and I wonder why I make it so difficult. Lately, I have found myself at my friends house, and talking to assorted people and so completely lost. Yes, I am sure that there are many jokes or people saying...wow here we go, but it really is a dedicated struggle. It is My struggle. Lately I have felt so completely worthless and I can convince myself that I am of any worth what so ever. In my mind, I look for a way out, and before someone says...oh my gosh suicide...NOT A CHANCE that is not even where I am going, and if you knew me in anyway you would know that all the way. I do not know how to put it into words what I feel missing, but in a way I can almost feel a friend of mine telling me that it is a struggle we all face in life. Why do such things mean nothing to anyone in the greater scheme of things?
-"But I can hear them still, as the whispers laced with hatred fill this room."
Another line from this song, one of so many and of course i will post the entire lyrics at the end of this piece so you can see, it is an extremely powerful song. One that I can't believe yet it speaks my mind and makes me think so much. Right now, I feel so dirty. I told a friend of mine, I don't truly love anything about myself at this moment, and he said we all feel that way but I truly feel this is beyond the norm. God, I really need You...That is my constant speech, but I feel He can't hear me in anyway...I know He does, but when you hit that place of complete loneliness inside, you are at a loss. My best friend pointed that out to me today, something that I have noticed about myself. When my jokes come in higher numbers, or when my insults (friendly of course) or when i lash out in the dumbest of moments, that is when I am reaching a point of total loss. I have hidden these feelings, and well i must say...I don't see any light. I look ahead of me, and see nothing. I look behind me and see opportunities lost. I feel at times that God has seen something good in me, yet I pick that apart. I truly have the best friends in the world, but I just feel alone. This is not a dating thing, this is me in a in depth struggle to find myself in God. I will say this, as I conclude something that I am sure that has bored all 4 of my readers to tears...I feel completely beneath every person on the planet right now... Unworthy not only of my family, but my friends, of just about any woman, and most important, my God and King.
- "Guess I'm wasting my time, How could you love a man like me?"

"My Struggle" - Seventh Day Slumber (Picking up the Pieces)
Must be some mistake
'Cause I'm not worth the price you paid.
With every passing hour
I convince myself that you saw something in me.
But I can hear them still,
As the whispers laced with hatred fill the room.
Guess I'm wasting my time
How could you love a man like me?

Lord I need your strength
'Cause I am weak and falling to my knees.
Who is on my side?
'Cause I can't tell my friends from enemies.
Filling up with pain.
Bitterness controls the air I breathe.
What am I fighting for?
Do you have a plan for me?

Must be some mistake
'Cause I'm not worth the price you paid.
With every passing hour,
I convince myself that you saw something in me.
But I can hear them still,
As the whispers laced with hatred fill the room.
Guess I'm wasting my time
How could you love a man like me?

Must be some mistake.
'Cause I'm not worth the price you paid.

Are we starting over?

I know it has been since extreme late February since I have last posted, and with good reason! I had a rough month of March for the diet and exercise program. Now although I did not gain any weight, I did not make any ground on my ultimate long term goal of 100 lbs. This would be a sign for discouragement and disappointment except we are now in April and it is a new game! Being down 31 lbs going into march, I was poised to take command and fly down to my first set goal of 50 but during the month of March, Tax season hit me hard. School projects came due, and well i lost my focus for a month.

So where am I at now? Are we starting over?

The answer is no! To start over means that I had to have quit. That is something that i did not do. We take our first jump into April, and i am already back to being a "loser" again. Weighing in for two straight days at a loss of 36.5 lbs for the year means that in a mere 13 days of march that i have lost 5.5 lbs. (Just for reference, i weighed in at a loss almost exactly 31 lbs at the end of March, Thus the not gaining or losing during that month) I am back to walking 18 holes of golf every weekend and that is a good calorie burner in its own right as well as basketball with the guys so I have a few more realizations to add to my list:

1. If you are fare to pale skinned, 4 hours of golf = MAJOR SUNBURN

2. According to the law of physics, when eating chicken for more than a couple of weeks...It loses its taste! (sad i know)

3. I looked for loop holes, but no where in those loop holes is there a place in a diet for Mexican food!

4. one more thing on sunburns that i forgot to mention...Major Sunburns = No Sleep

5. (non weight issue but it has to be mentioned) When needing help with your taxes, It is a must to wait till the last week of tax season and then expect them to be done! Obviously your return is the top most priority and i should stop everything i am doing to do yours! (complete sarcasm)

Anywho...That is the update! 36.5 - - pushing for 50 by the california trip in June... Will it happen? Will he make it??? Stay tuned!