Good day to all that read this! (I think that includes my whole crowd of Amber and Kevin) It has been quite some times since I updated my blog, but in the spirit of my friend Amber, I am going to make an effort to update my blog weekly. For the next few weeks, I will indulge you all with tales of what has been going on in my life as of late as well as discuss studies at our church as of late. Now let me ask you to be patient. Whether you are a believer or not one, PLEASE take the time to read this. I am not out to judge you I am out to open myself up to those around me. This is a realization and judgment of myself! Over the 8 week period (which started January 10th) we are doing something called Celebrating Recovery. This 8 week series is about getting to the truth of our lives, and discovering the “gorillas” we have in our lives beating us down and stealing parts of our lives from us. I am just going to be real with you all in this, so I am sure some of this will be like… yea we know this stuff about you nick… but sometimes you will say, Oh my gosh did he say that? Anyway, I won’t go into details about this series due to the fact that it is what this series is all about…step by step realization of our life troubles. R.E.C.O.V.E.R.Y. is the name of the game so I will combine the first two weeks to get you up to date. Now keep in mind I did the “R” back before hurricane Ike, and started this past weekend with the “E.” So let me lay it out now:
R: Realize
Like any good problem solving idea, you first must realize you have a problem. I always like to fake myself into believing that I have it all together, and of course I am not in bad shape at all. We all know, however, that we all have those small looming problems that could fester into something bigger if we allow it. So I sat down, in the silence of my room and thought about my life as a whole and started to “realize” this may be a deeper problem than I thought of course.
Stubborn – I am quite manipulative. I can use my powers of reason and debating to pretty much get my way with just about anyone of my friends. Do they realize this, maybe? The point is, I far too often allow my idea that I am the only one right at times get in the way.
Financial – Yes I do quite well for myself. In fact, I probably do better than most, and I save well but the problem is I do like to spend money. It isn’t like most people, I spend it on frivious stuff because it is the latest technology or I just find it to be cool…totally unnecessary
Women – Cool yourself here, not as you see it. I had often struggled with the close mindedness of some women due to the fact that I felt I wasn’t as bad as I was. I often sought after the “chase” of a woman like some game. It wasn’t till I basically gave up on the whole thing of dating that God finally said, now you are ready to date…Now why didn’t I realize this one earlier. Since I attended this “R” part of the series, I have met Joy, and realize God is much better than I am at the game of Love!
Time – School, tax season, Joy, family, friends, -- this doesn’t give me the proper time to spend considering where I am and what I should and shouldn’t be doing. I would never want to eliminate any of these (ok maybe school) but we must make time for ourselves and time for me and God to spend together.
Sloth – I haven’t always been this lazy and I dare not make excuses to why I feel lazy over the last 18 months. (Graduate School) It is time to understand, I can do this, if I give this to God, He can do anything!
Gluttony – God is to blame on this, chips and hot sauce is far too good. I learned earlier in 2008 that I can control this, and have done a much better job at it, but at times I do struggle, I think when I am just bored or in a state of hurt.
but like I said this is not about excuses… this is about realizing I have no one to blame about myself but myself.
My prayer for this series to carry out: “God, show me the areas of my life that I have blinded myself to and give me the desire to give them to you!”
E: Earnestly seeking God, realizing that I matter to Him, and that only God has the power to fix my problems.
Ok, here is where my borderline/non believer friends roll there eyes a little. They say, you need to help yourself out here Nick, and telling us that there is a supreme being out there who can do all of this is just a cheap way for you to justify your failure to do so. I am sympathetic to your words, and in a way you are right. I have no one to blame but me. I do what I do, because I only consider myself in what I do. I do not contribute my actions to those around me and in not doing so it can negatively affect my family and friends or blind me to my own imperfections.
Whether you are one who believes in my God or not, you MUST realize we are all in the same state. My pastor tells of a story that a friend said to him “Nathan, there are three types of areas we are all in, we are either getting close to a gorilla, dealing with a gorilla, or we have just dealt with one and another is beginning.” This is a negative way of approaching things if you take this wrong, but if you sit and think about it, it is also built for you challenge freaks out there. It is a challenge, to stare these problems in the face and do what you must to overcome. I had a friend tell me this once, and I use it a lot “Quit telling God how big your problems are, and start telling your problems how big your God is!” That statement says it all. I must take this time to say, I can not do this on my own. I am in over my head and can no longer control my own actions, and only God has the power to do such a thing.
My prayer: “God, I can no longer control myself. I do not have the ability to stop my own actions. I give all these actions and every aspect of my life to You! Only you have the power to change who I am, because obviously when I am in control I mess things up tremendously. Give me the desire to want to give it all to you, then the ability to do just that!”
I hope you will follow along with this as it unfolds, believer or non-believer. I am not out to judge anyone, or tell anyone how to live their life, I just want you all to be able to look at me as the man I am and see that it is love I am offering to the world and not the imperfections and evil that I let out. Evil is not a person who drinks or a person who parties or curses, but evil is a man/woman who does not give love, or show compassion for their fellow human being. We all have our vices, and beliefs but be honest with yourself, whether you believe in Jesus or not, wouldn’t you think this world would be a much better place if everyone in it just loved everyone as He did, and worked to serve people as He did? Think about that, Jesus didn’t force himself on anyone, all He did was love!
