New Year's Resolutions sometimes seem unrealistic. The ones such as "I'm going to quit smoking" or "This year I am going to lose weight and work out more" just seem like too much to reach for. I have always hated when people make these "resolutions" because seriously...you are not going to do it.
So in keeping with the tradition of doing things i really hate, I give you my New Year's Resolution. As all my friends know, I have decided to lose weight. So as i venture into day 5 of this horrid idea, I have drawn a few conclusions:
1. Kevin is the Devil. He told me he was "going to take me to hell and back", well let me tell you I think he drove the bus to hell and then LEFT ME BEHIND!
2. No matter how you spice it...A Salad is still a Salad....BLAND
3. If you have not worked out in oh lets say 13 or so years, do not try to lift about 80% of the max of what you can do in 3 reps of 10
4. Ben Gay & Sportscream as well as Mineral Ice do not help...neither does any other pain releiver!
5. There is always the fattest guy in the room. If you look around and don't see him...well that is because i am in the bathroom puking my guts up from running!
6. Since I have not mentioned it in a few minutes, Kevin sucks!
7. Jerad from Subway is a lying crack whore...no one can tolerate subway 3 times a day everyday for over a year...just not possible!!!!
8. Right now, I would kill for some chips and hot sauce
9. You can not loose 50 lbs in 5 days like I was once told by a magical unicorn when i was at hogwarts a few weeks back
10. I still don't understand why God won't program us to be healthy even when we are fat...and make all those who are skinny ..unhealthy till they get fat. (No offense to my skinny friends out there...)
11. No matter how much i pay him, Kevin won't let me quit...so He still sucks!
12. The saying "I am going to lose weight or it will kill me" may just come true and you are all invited to my funeral.
And to recap a few other false myths: When you wish apon a star, dreams do NOT come true! If you believe in yourself, you can achieve miracles...HAHAHA, and finally God helps those who help themselves...Well that is a crap lie anyway!!! Any Questions feel free to contact the devil at his website...he may also be named the trailer guru~!
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2 comments:
You learned a lot in just three days of working out. And just think, you will have to put with with this for at least 8 more months....hahahaha!
Re: 2. Have somebody from up north ship you a million bottles of Wegman's Parmesan Italian Fat Free Salad Dressing. It will rock your face off. And go romaine, not iceberg--no nutritional value in the latter.
Re: 4. Go to a Chinese store somewhere--no, I don't know where--and find Tiger Balm. It will burn the hell out of you. In a good way. Really, I hurt my back last year and I constantly stank of Tiger Balm for over a month, but hey, I could walk.
Re: 7. I can't stand Subway one time a day. Not ever. Get your own stuff and make good TOASTED sandwiches at home.
Don't quit---good luck!
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